Why I use ‘comfort-it-out’ and not ‘cry-it-out’
Understanding the 'cry it out' sleep training method and why it might not be the best choice
If you're a sleep-deprived mum desperate for a full night’s rest, you've probably come across a range of sleep training methods, including the infamous cry it out (CIO). This method is often controversial, and mums have strong feelings about it. But what exactly is CIO, and why might it not be the best approach for your baby and family?
In this post, we’ll explain what the cry it out method involves, discuss some of the reasons why many parents, and I, choose to avoid it, and provide alternative approaches that can help your baby sleep better without all the tears.
What is the 'cry it out' method?
The cry it out method, sometimes called extinction sleep training, is a technique where parents put their baby down to sleep and then allow them to cry without intervening until they fall asleep. The idea is that by not responding to their cries, you teach your baby to self-soothe and fall asleep independently.
Here’s how the CIO method typically works:
At bedtime, you place your baby in their crib while they are still awake.
Leave the room and allow your baby to cry without going in to comfort them.
Wait until they fall asleep on their own, even if this means listening to their cries for an extended period of time.
Repeat the process whenever your baby wakes up during the night.
The goal of this method is to teach your baby to settle themselves to sleep without relying on parental intervention. Advocates of CIO argue that it can result in quicker sleep independence and fewer night wakings. However, this method can be extremely challenging for parents to implement, especially because it involves listening to their baby’s distress.
Why many mums choose not to use the 'cry it out' method
The CIO method can be effective for some families, but it’s not the right fit for everyone. Here are a few key reasons why many parents decide against using this approach:
1. It can be emotionally distressing for parents
As a mum, listening to your baby cry for long periods goes against every instinct you have to comfort them. For many parents, the emotional toll of hearing their baby cry without stepping in can be overwhelming:
Heightened stress and anxiety: Hearing your baby cry is supposed to activate your natural caregiving instincts. Ignoring those instincts can lead to feelings of stress, guilt, and anxiety, making the sleep training process even more challenging for you.
Feelings of guilt: Many parents worry that they’re abandoning their baby or that allowing their baby to cry could harm their attachment. Even if this isn’t the case, those feelings of guilt can be tough to shake.
If the method is causing more stress than it’s solving, it may not be the right fit for you or your baby.
2. It doesn’t address the root causes of sleep issues
The CIO method focuses solely on stopping crying as a way to encourage sleep, but it doesn’t get to the heart of why your baby might be struggling to sleep in the first place. Some common reasons for sleep issues include:
Hunger or discomfort: Babies might wake up because they’re hungry, too hot or cold, or need a nappy change. Ignoring these cries might mean that real needs aren’t being met.
Developmental changes: Babies go through periods of sleep regression, teething, and learning new skills, all of which can impact sleep. The CIO method doesn’t adjust for these changes, which can leave both baby and parents feeling frustrated.
Understanding the reasons behind your baby’s sleep struggles can help you find gentler, more effective solutions.
3. It may impact your baby’s emotional well-being
While research is mixed on whether the CIO method has any long-term negative effects, some studies suggest that allowing a baby to cry for long periods could impact their stress levels and attachment. Here’s what to consider:
Increased cortisol levels: Prolonged crying can lead to higher cortisol (stress hormone) levels in babies, which can affect their ability to self-regulate.
Attachment concerns: Some parents worry that using the CIO method might impact the secure attachment they’re working to build with their baby. While many babies can recover quickly from short-term stress, this is still a concern for some families.
Ultimately, your baby’s emotional well-being is just as important as their sleep habits, and there are gentler methods that can support both.
Comfort-it-out: an alternative sleep training method that doesn’t involve crying-it-out
As a mum I do not use the cry it out method on my own child, so I would not ask my clients to use it with theirs, as I believe it is detrimental to the well-being of both the child and their caregiver. That is why I use gentle methods, like Comforting Through Change™, which focus on providing reassurance while teaching self-soothing skills. Comforting Through Change™ involves comforting your baby when they cry, and offering a more gradual transition to independent sleep. It is ideal for mums who find it emotionally distressing to hear their baby cry without being able to comfort them.
Choosing a gentler method, like Comforting Through Change™, can also help maintain a sense of security for your baby, supporting a strong bond while encouraging better sleep. This approach may take slightly more time and patience, but it allows you to be present with your baby through the process, which can make it feel more manageable for both of you.
Final thoughts: choose what feels right for you and your baby
As a mum, you know your baby best. If the cry it out method doesn’t feel right for your family, you don’t have to use it.
Remember, sleep training is about finding a way to help your baby—and you—get the rest you need, while also respecting your family’s unique needs and values. If you’re struggling, I can help you with personalised guidance and support.
You’ve got this, mama, and with a little patience and persistence, better sleep is possible for both you and your baby.